Thursday, February 4, 2010

Man's Best Friend Reduced for Quick Sale

Now offering a Lab and a Jack Russell only $.25.

Price includes shipping to anywhere in the continental United States
Gift wrapping available for an extra fee.
They're great for a snuggle!And have been known to walk on water!

Call now to reserve one or both of these lovable beasts.

Disclaimer: If you think trash should stay in the trashcan and not get drug around the house. And if you prefer that your closet be a fresh and clean place free from dog poo poo and pee pee. And if you believe people should be in charge rather than animals less than a foot tall, this sale may not be right for you.

I was going to write about all our efforts in dog training yesterday when I got home from work but I got so frustrated by having to vacuum up coffee grounds that had been pulled around the kitchen floor not once, but twice, then going into my closet to get ready for bed only to find a pile of dog poop for about the 10th time this month that I decided I had no room to speak on this issue and should postpone lest I actually give my dogs away for real. This morning, upon finding dog poop, AGAIN, as well as pee on my shoe organizer, I realized that it absolutely must be addressed! Sandy the lab is a saint! She never does anything wrong beyond getting in the way because she just wants love and attention ALL. THE. TIME. It's the little one, Eddie, that I'm beginning to think is a sociopath. Understand that he is not a puppy. He's 5 years old and will easily be with us for 10-20 more. Neither of them have ever been to school but have been generally very obedient. They walk well on a leash, are not the least bit aggressive, don't tear things up that don't belong to them, and up until recently were perfectly potty trained. The trash and the closet as bathroom are the only two issues we're dealing with, but I think you'd agree with me when I say they're big ones! Here's what I've been trying so far
To deal with the trash:
  • Scolding and/or spanking. He couldn't care less!
  • Claiming the trash can as mine all alpha-dog-like and blocking him so he doesn't come near it. I actually heard him laugh at me.
  • Then I read that you're supposed to form a team with your dog against the object they're supposed to leave alone so I've been petting Eddie and speaking nicely to him while bawling out the trash can and spanking it throughout the day. Yes, I look like a crazy lady.
  • I also read that I could put various substances on or in the trash to make it unappealing to him so I wiped down the outside with ammonia and put a few drops in the trash can and put Tabasco sauce on the rim of it.
  • Put the trash can under the counter behind a chair so that it's not so easy to access and try to keep the door to the kitchen closed.

To deal with the pooping/peeing in the closet

  • Scolding and/or spanking after showing him the mess. Again, it doesn't phase him at all because he's a Jack Russell they don't really give a darn about winning your approval.
  • Cleaning the carpet with a steam cleaner then scrubbing it with this 4 step process I found online including vinegar, warm water, baking soda, dish detergent, and borax to make sure that every bit of smell is out of there. Of course I wouldn't just leave it dirty but also so he doesn't think he has claimed it for himself.
  • Feeding the dogs in the closet because supposedly dogs won't go to the bathroom in their own space.
  • Taking Eddie out to go to the bathroom like every 2 hours and making him follow me around all day giving him treats at random intervals so he wouldn't be tempted to go do bad things.

As you might be able to tell, I'm about at the end of my rope here. Any ideas for things I haven't tried? Also, in case you come over and I'm petting my dog and whacking at my closet floor with a stick while shouting no. It's actually not because I'm a crazy lady but because I love my dog (and my house) very much and want him to live a well-adjusted life that doesn't include ripping up trash and making messes in the house. You'd better put in your bid now, because in a month or two if things haven't changed I'll be ready to ship him out!


the gyspy chick said...

Ha this is too funny, I'm having a little doggy trouble myself...
pop on over and maybe we can send them all to doggie boot camp :)

Brittany and Alex Garcia said...

ahh man you really made me laugh out loud. i know it really isnt a laughing matter...but the techniques are just hilarious! My lab had a habit of peeing on the fridge and the couch when we were gone...but once he got neutered it stopped! Good luck!

Texas Playwright Chick said...

So funny...uh, not to you, of course. Please don't get rid of them, they LOVE you,that's why they're acting out. They are telling you, PLEASE LOVE US!

Anyway, maybe write to that Dog Whisperer guy?

We have an 80lb black lab - Trilby the Wonder Dog! We've had to spend tons of time reassuring her that she is the ONLY thing that matters to us. We give her lots of chew toys and she has rewarded us by not chewing things up,or strewning garbage across the floor. Who knows what they are trying to say, but they are trying to tell you something here.

Just love them as much as you can - maybe they're just trying to one up each other, like 'Dude, I double dog dare you to pee on her stiletos!"

the gypsy chick said...

we do! I am a San Antonio girl :) It's nice to meet you!

Erin said...

Just so everyone knows, those dogs aren't going anywhere. We love them to death! I won't get rid of them, but I will complain about them. That's not so bad, huh?

Alissa said...

This cracked me up! I know how you feel sometimes. We have a 5 month old kitty in a crammed apartment and sometimes I feel like she's just as wild as a dog would be.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it